{"id":616,"date":"2015-05-31T08:54:59","date_gmt":"2015-05-31T15:54:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.majorscorner.com\/?p=616"},"modified":"2026-03-07T18:12:50","modified_gmt":"2026-03-08T03:12:50","slug":"majorscorner-doingonesbest-theclub-humour","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/?p=616","title":{"rendered":"#MajorsCorner  #DoingOnesBest  #TheClub  #Humour"},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"padding-bottom:20px; padding-top:10px;\" class=\"hupso-share-buttons\"><!-- Hupso Share Buttons - http:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/ --><a class=\"hupso_toolbar\" href=\"http:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/buttons\/share-medium.png\" style=\"border:0px; padding-top:5px; float:left;\" alt=\"Share Button\"\/><\/a><script type=\"text\/javascript\">var hupso_services_t=new Array(\"Twitter\",\"Facebook\",\"Google Plus\");var hupso_background_t=\"#EAF4FF\";var hupso_border_t=\"#66CCFF\";var hupso_toolbar_size_t=\"medium\";var hupso_image_folder_url = \"\";var hupso_url_t=\"\";var hupso_title_t=\"#MajorsCorner  #DoingOnesBest  #TheClub  #Humour\";<\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\" src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/js\/share_toolbar.js\"><\/script><!-- Hupso Share Buttons --><\/div><p>I mentioned before that the club is filled with more eccentrics per square foot than anywhere else except perhaps a circus or parliament.<!--more--><br \/>\nJust to the right of my wingback chair sits a chap called Simon Simon, an unfortunate name, perhaps, but we do not pick our parents. Naturally he is nicknamed \u201cSimple\u201d but takes it well. Anyway Simon was a teacher of elocution at a drama school back east somewhere, and was shown the door because of cutbacks, although he was far from ready to retire.<br \/>\nHis bitterness shows through his endless efforts to interest us in his free (his word) lessons on improving the speaking prowess of the mems of the club, so much so that he can be heard harassing an empty club meeting room every Monday afternoon at 3 bells.<br \/>\nNo one goes to these things, and yet there he is pressing his lessons forward to a group of chairs and nothing else. His printed agenda wallows in Shakespeare, starting with \u201cAll the world\u2019s a stage\u201d as an exercise for pace, then \u201cLet me not to the marriage of true minds\/ Admit impediments\u201d for vowels and consonants and finally \u201cWhen in disgrace with Fortune and men\u2019s eyes\u201d for plosives and sibilants.<br \/>\nThe class lasts for exactly one hour with no bathroom breaks allowed. How wonderful and yet damp with melancholy.<br \/>\nAnother chap shouts out everything that he reads and then asks for thoughts on the articles. No one says a thing as we are staring furiously at our shoes in deep embarrassment. He then thanks us and starts again. Generally we can attract the notice of one of the club servants who takes him gently by the arm to other less inhabited parts of our club.<br \/>\nThe distaff side of the club is another matter altogether, as one must be careful of what one says at all times. For instance Mrs. Hynde-Quarters is not above saying earnest things like,<br \/>\n\u201cIt says here that men are much stupider than women. It is a well-known fact. Ha.\u201d All the men shift uncomfortably in response that can only be silent. Several women stamp their highly sensible shoes in agreement with their self-appointed leader.<br \/>\nOf course she came across the \u201cwell-known fact\u201d in an article she was reading called \u201cBonnets Today.\u201d The so-called truth was a reference to the not unexpected fact that men don\u2019t know as much about bonnets as women. There you go, another irrefutable fact from the jaws of Mrs. Hynde-Quarters. There is a collective sigh from the still sane men left in the reading room. What else can we do?<br \/>\nMrs. ffrangington-Davis is the worst, though, for disturbing the wonderful oasis of the senior reading room, as she snaps the pages of the many magazines she purloins from the large table in the middle of the room. She sits down with a lap-full and licks her large fingers before almost ripping the periodicals open to no story in particular and then makes a fireworks noise page after page until everyone is sitting on the edge of their seats in a high state of anxiety.<br \/>\nDid I say everyone? Not everyone. Women, for instance, are not bothered by this outrage. In fact many are simply waiting to do the same after f-D is finished. It is unspeakable that such an uncivilized noise is allowed to break the spell of quiet digestion of thought and deed. This loathsome racket goes on until all the journals have been looked at and discarded.<br \/>\nThere is another woman, Betty Becket who in her youth was the most delicious and gracious of her generation, a beauty for the ages was the term they used for Betty back in her salad days. Still a striking lady, she unfortunately has lost the plot a bit in the last few years.<br \/>\nShe visits the club occasionally and dines alone in solitary splendour having outlived all of her three husbands. During the meal she sits dreamily staring off into the mid horizon as if remembering past occasions with various men while downing an enormous volume of red wine. As she approaches her dessert the alcohol begins to take a grip on her mind and she loudly whispers: \u201cYou are a filthy young man, Gerald\u201d or \u201cStop looking at me lewdly, Horace, or I will knee you hard again.\u201d<br \/>\nThen there is a interlude of throaty laughter which unsettles her fellow diners, who push away their own glasses of wine.<br \/>\nOn a night when my wife Kitty and I were attending a celebratory evening for a fellow mem\u2019s 81st birthday, Betty was in full flight.<br \/>\nShe had already given voice to a number of outrageous remarks, when eyeing me she announced, \u201cMajor, do not attempt to touch me there again or it will lead to dire consequences for you, my fine fellow. It was clearly a mistake to have let you take advantage of me that one time, but I shan\u2019t allow you that privilege again. Be off with you.\u201d<br \/>\nNow what is a chap to do in those circs? Even though my dear wife of some 50 hard-fought years knew Betty was a mad as the March Hare, this statement was still food for thought. She put me under a careful scrutiny as the club\u2019s renowned raisin pie turned to suet in my mouth.<br \/>\nI returned my Kitty\u2019s grimace with a well-thought out rebuttal. \u201cEh?\u201d I said, and I put some mustard on it, I can tell you.<br \/>\nHowever the club remains a home for one and all. And we, the less mad, must make a space for the others. Once a mem, always a mem.<\/p>\n<p>Copyright Major\u2019s Corner 2015<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div style=\"padding-bottom:20px; padding-top:10px;\" class=\"hupso-share-buttons\"><!-- Hupso Share Buttons - http:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/ --><a class=\"hupso_toolbar\" href=\"http:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/\"><img src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/buttons\/share-medium.png\" style=\"border:0px; padding-top:5px; float:left;\" alt=\"Share Button\"\/><\/a><script type=\"text\/javascript\">var hupso_services_t=new Array(\"Twitter\",\"Facebook\",\"Google Plus\");var hupso_background_t=\"#EAF4FF\";var hupso_border_t=\"#66CCFF\";var hupso_toolbar_size_t=\"medium\";var hupso_image_folder_url = \"\";var hupso_url_t=\"\";var hupso_title_t=\"#MajorsCorner  #DoingOnesBest  #TheClub  #Humour\";<\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\" src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/js\/share_toolbar.js\"><\/script><!-- Hupso Share Buttons --><\/div><p>I mentioned before that the club is filled with more eccentrics per square foot than anywhere else except perhaps a circus or parliament.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-616","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-majors-corner"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=616"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":618,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616\/revisions\/618"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=616"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=616"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=616"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}