{"id":687,"date":"2015-11-22T09:53:05","date_gmt":"2015-11-22T17:53:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.majorscorner.com\/?p=687"},"modified":"2026-03-07T18:12:50","modified_gmt":"2026-03-08T03:12:50","slug":"major-from-may-30th-2010-oldie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/?p=687","title":{"rendered":"Major from May 30th 2010&#8230;Oldie."},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"padding-bottom:20px; padding-top:10px;\" class=\"hupso-share-buttons\"><!-- Hupso Share Buttons - http:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/ --><a class=\"hupso_toolbar\" href=\"http:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/buttons\/share-medium.png\" style=\"border:0px; padding-top:5px; float:left;\" alt=\"Share Button\"\/><\/a><script type=\"text\/javascript\">var hupso_services_t=new Array(\"Twitter\",\"Facebook\",\"Google Plus\");var hupso_background_t=\"#EAF4FF\";var hupso_border_t=\"#66CCFF\";var hupso_toolbar_size_t=\"medium\";var hupso_image_folder_url = \"\";var hupso_url_t=\"\";var hupso_title_t=\"Major from May 30th 2010...Oldie.\";<\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\" src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/js\/share_toolbar.js\"><\/script><!-- Hupso Share Buttons --><\/div><div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 1\">\n<div class=\"section\">\n<div class=\"layoutArea\">\n<div class=\"column\">\n<p>Major&#8217;s Corner: Major&#8217;s parting from wife is such sour sorrow<br \/>\nBY MAJ. (RETIRED) NIGEL SMYTHE-BROWN, TIMES COLONIST MAY 30, 2010 7:21 AM<\/p>\n<p>Maj. (retired) Nigel Smythe-Brown Photograph by: Staff, Times Colonist<\/p>\n<p>I am not sure how others feel about this subject, but I don&#8217;t like desertion on the part of the memsahib.<\/p>\n<p>Surely, if we are supposed to be together through thick and thin, I see no earthly reason she should want to visit her frightful sister in Port Moody.<\/p>\n<p>This outrage is only matched by Mrs. Bleak, our hirsute cook, using my wife&#8217;s absence as a loose excuse to take a fortnight off. I don&#8217;t like the woman as she puts it about the neighbourhood that she is afraid to be alone with me, which is based on a deeply held misunderstanding.<\/p>\n<p>I did not know my wife, Kitty, had actually hired the woman so when I appeared naked at the top of the stairs one morning, reciting Richard the Third (&#8220;Was ever woman in this humour wooed&#8221;) as is my wont &#8212; or rather, was.<\/p>\n<p>It was a shock to both of us. Plus, is a situation ever helped by &#8220;wake up the dead&#8221; screams forthcoming from a female cook?<\/p>\n<p>On top of all else, there are my wife Kitty&#8217;s blasted cats Pericles and Bertram, which I am expected to feed during her long absence. Mind you, not just any old can of cat food will do; oh, no, it must be the rare blue tuna with a sauce of an egg and vitamin E spread artistically about the saucer.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 2\">\n<div class=\"section\">\n<div class=\"layoutArea\">\n<div class=\"column\">\n<p>These damn creatures lick their own fundaments and then have the temerity to turn their dirty noses up if I do not prepare dinner to their exacting specifications.<\/p>\n<p>I wave grimly as I watch my wife of some 40 years tootle off in the family car toward the ferries, knowing that the weeks ahead are full of hurdles. I glumly make my way to the club after almost being filleted by the impatient cats for not providing their meal with the speed and deference of the missing cook.<\/p>\n<p>Thankfully, I find at the club many who have been left on their own for much longer than my two weeks of hell.<\/p>\n<p>The Brigadier was once alone for an entire month and quietly became a hermit living on his top floor. This was because his wife had recently bought a new oven that, instead of the tried and true &#8220;Off&#8221; and &#8220;On&#8221; buttons, had coloured moving figures with active buzzers going relentlessly, denoting sauces and pie crusts.<\/p>\n<p>That forced him in a rage to the attic with a large number of cans of food, unfortunately all containing the same substance. His personal flushing system has never recovered from 30 days of cold creamed corn.<\/p>\n<p>Now, when reminded of the incident, he becomes agitated and produces the most awful scents with accompanying noises.<\/p>\n<p>One general, we were told, sat blowing a bugle for an entire summer. He later published a book on How to Lose 100 Pounds in Two Months. However, as he weighed only 170 pounds when he started, he died shortly after, and with him the short-lived &#8220;Bugle Diet.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Another mem sat vellicating at the memory of his dear lady who ran away with the Albanian gardener, leaving him with a house that is now completely covered by English ivy.<\/p>\n<p>There were many other stories, with several ending badly, but I am determined to not be one.<\/p>\n<p>This entailed finding our cook Mrs. Bleak and convincing her that when I rang out with:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"page\" title=\"Page 3\">\n<div class=\"section\">\n<div class=\"layoutArea\">\n<div class=\"column\">\n<p>&#8220;Now is the winter of our discontent,&#8221; albeit naked, I was not referring to her runny eggs but merely quoting the Bard.<\/p>\n<p>The unsavoury cook returned but only if I moved into my club. Bah. Please come home, Kitty.<\/p>\n<p>copyright christopher dalton 2015<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div style=\"padding-bottom:20px; padding-top:10px;\" class=\"hupso-share-buttons\"><!-- Hupso Share Buttons - http:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/ --><a class=\"hupso_toolbar\" href=\"http:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/\"><img src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/buttons\/share-medium.png\" style=\"border:0px; padding-top:5px; float:left;\" alt=\"Share Button\"\/><\/a><script type=\"text\/javascript\">var hupso_services_t=new Array(\"Twitter\",\"Facebook\",\"Google Plus\");var hupso_background_t=\"#EAF4FF\";var hupso_border_t=\"#66CCFF\";var hupso_toolbar_size_t=\"medium\";var hupso_image_folder_url = \"\";var hupso_url_t=\"\";var hupso_title_t=\"Major from May 30th 2010...Oldie.\";<\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\" src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/js\/share_toolbar.js\"><\/script><!-- Hupso Share Buttons --><\/div><p>Major&#8217;s Corner: Major&#8217;s parting from wife is such sour sorrow BY MAJ. (RETIRED) NIGEL SMYTHE-BROWN, TIMES COLONIST MAY 30, 2010 7:21 AM Maj. (retired) Nigel Smythe-Brown Photograph by: Staff, Times Colonist I am not sure how others feel about this subject, but I don&#8217;t like desertion on the part of the memsahib. Surely, if we [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-687","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-majors-corner"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/687","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=687"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/687\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":694,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/687\/revisions\/694"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=687"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=687"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/majorscorner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=687"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}