#SecurityAlert: Ravings by Christopher Dalton July 3, 2014

Once again the airports of the world must tighten up their security for any plane that is flying to the United States. Apparently someone heard someone who heard someone’s cousin who heard someone else in a souk at a flea-bitten village discussing bombs that because of new technology, will make them almost impossible to detect. Oh well… All I can think about this is, once on the plane and after ordering a stiff drink, you quickly feel up the passenger beside you as part of doing your bit for Homeland Security, besides we are all Americans when we fly there, until you reach US Immigration, the rudest in the world. When your neighbour starts shouting, you can point out that America says we can search them. For if “The Underwear Bomber” proved that Muslim fanatics don’t mind blowing their manhoods off, then one should expect to have hands search those areas. If everyone patted down the person beside them, all will be well don’t you think? Security costs would drop like a stone and think of the people one would meet? Dating sites would dry up as every lonely person would be flying to America sending new tourism through the roof. At the very least thousands of disappointed lovers would be hanging out at airports with busy fingers.

I have another idea! We could have mass colonoscopies at the same time as we pass through security, large robotic instruments with the ability to penetrate “four at a time” busily at work. We can only hope that the engine noise might muffle the startled screams. This way we could perhaps lower medicare costs for late stage colon cancer at the same time as the dream of “deep screening” is finally realized. In order to get the unsuspecting passengers to bend over, we should employ graduate students with large college debts to bellow, “You dropped something.”

This will keep America safe and the rest of us will get a trickle down effect, so to speak.

Thank you America.

Copyright Major’s Corner 2014