We are almost too happy for words living here in Mexico, albeit for only a few months, but still my bones are thankful for the lack of shivers this winter. I am also delighted to report that more than a few of our friends and fellow club mems were able to make the four-hour WestJet flight down to our paradise by the sea. However, and I don’t mean this unkindly, into every holiday flies a buzzard or two.
It is a well-known fact that only .9 per cent of the Canadian population appears better in a bathing suit than fully dressed at any time. This is not to be taken lightly, for it is common knowledge at the UN and certainly discussed openly around the world wherever beachwear fashionistas gather. Good maple syrup plus bad bodies equals Canada.
I only mention this nugget because a few of our friends don’t appear to be aware of it, which I find alarming. It is one thing to see a chap in a blazer, tie and grey flannels lounging in his wing-back chair at the club. It is quite another to see the same chap in only small swimwear standing on the sand discussing the PM’s latest flight of fancy and not feel slightly bilious.
Do they think they are invisible? There is now no longer that last wall of defence such as a belt or hidden elastic thingee to stop the oozing, gravitational downward movement of the Canuck tummy, nowhere to hide, as it were. It simply stares back at the stare-ee, lumpen and large.
Years of fully dressed Canadian living have inured most of the northern types to looking in full length mirrors, as it is either too cold to undress or they realized early on that most Canadians simply look like this. A sort of “to hell with it” takes hold.
This is all well and good in Canada, but to bring these threadbare principles to southern beaches is a national embarrassment.
One hears rumours of Mexico bringing new legislation forward at a speedy pace to protect young eyes from undressed Canadians. Immediate deportation has been mentioned. In my experience, several babies started wailing when the visiting Brigadier dropped his robe last week in front of an unsuspecting beach crowd. One of the most hirsute men on earth stood scratching his large pale stomach in small trunks from 30 years ago.
Several families made a run for it as dogs began howling, while the beach restaurant shuttered itself as a public service. These are hard times for Canadians living in the Tropic of Cancer.
Next week we have Mrs. Hynde Quarters and Mrs. ffrangington-Davis visiting and Lord knows what fresh hell this will bring, but Kitty will have her way.
May I say a few things to my countrymen? I think we must try hard to put an end to the image we have given to the world lately: That of the self-righteous Canadian. A great number of us seem to take delight in lecturing others about how wonderful our country is and telling them that Canadian “values” are above all others.
It is turning into self-parody and a very unattractive image is appearing. To top it all off, we are boring people rigid. Can we not be the first ones to start boasting about ourselves? Hooray for medicare, immigrants, peace-keeping, etc., etc. These are all good things but so is broccoli, and imagine how fast one tires of that.
Let someone else compliment us before we stroke ourselves. It is a much more civilized way of doing things. We have a tendency to attack not unlike a religious fanatic at the first hint that our highway of life might not be everyone’s cup of tea. After all, why are there so many of us here in Mexico if we already live in a modern-day Nirvana?
Several friends from Mexico have already told me that Canadians have a reputation for being economical, meaning cheap. I am told we do not tip, thank people properly or try to speak Spanish. My wife and I heard a couple from somewhere on the prairies at an “all inclusive” hotel, telling friends not to tip the waiters “because it is all included in the price.” What nonsense, but there it is. Hotel staff earn about $20 per week and depend upon the tourists for a living wage.
Please be generous and do not be the first to speak. That’s the first step to being a Good Canadian.
Copyright Major’s Corner 2015
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